Recently I worked with a process called Core Transformation (my favorite method of personal change that I discovered about 3 months ago) with my reactivity towards internet marketing guru Eben Pagan (or should I say, the internet marketing guru I formally thought of as “that greedy jerkbag Eben Pagan”).
I had tended to react with anger towards what I viewed as “his inauthenticity and greed,” including the long-form sales letters that he writes to sell his popular products, the outrageous fees he charges for his “mastermind group,” and his “double your dating” course that I read long ago which I was now seeing as a superficial approach to relating with the opposite sex. Within an hour, I no longer had this reactivity towards him. I might not want to hang out with him, but we are both just people, and being a hater isn’t helping anybody, and it’s not creating something beautiful.
To my surprise, today I discovered that my reactivity towards another guy (i.e. “jerkbag”)–UK magician and hypnotist-entertainer Darren Brown–was also gone. I just watched a few Darren Brown videos on YouTube, which in the past would have set me off with indignant anger and digust. Tonight I had no reaction except curiosity (quite frankly, he is a master hypnotist with great language patterns), some enjoyment of his entertaining style, and also some criticism (without any intense feelings) of some of his acts where he picks on people or shows people how he can manipulate them (in one video, he steals a man’s wallet by using a confusion technique and then simply asking him to hand it over, which he does). The cool thing is that my reaction to Mr. Brown changed without any willpower, affirmations, visualizations, or any conscious attention whatsoever.
If you are curious how I went from hatred to indifference in about an hour, and how you too can actually let go of anger–perhaps with a loved one, or the “other” presidential candidate–then read on…
The Jerkbag I Hated Was Just My Projection…
I decided to work with a feeling of reactivity towards internet marketer Eben Pagan a few nights ago. I did this both because I was curious about what would happen, and because I’ve found some blocks in my own ability to market myself effectively and build a thriving private coaching practice. I’m also in favor of less anger and more kindness in the world, and I want to “be the change” I want to see in the world. Plus, I don’t know the guy. Everything that I think I know about him is just an idea I have about him (which by the way, is also often the case with people we think we know really well!). Being angry at him certainly isn’t going to change him, since I can’t even have a conversation with him. Meanwhile, I’m the one feeling crappy. Even if he is a jerk, he’s the one who should feel bad about it, not me! 
I did the Core Transformation process with these feelings 2 or 3 nights ago, first watching a video of Eben presenting his new personal productivity product that someone had emailed me about. I first worked with the part of me that hated him, thought he was inauthentic, etc. In Jungian psychotherapy, this is classically called shadow projection, but knowing that intellectually did not change the emotions I felt. To paraphrase Connirae Andreas (the creator of Core Transformation), if you start with mental concepts then you will transform your mental concepts. But if you want to transform your experience…then begin with your experience!
How I Did It…But First, A Warning
I should start off by saying that you probably won’t learn the Core Transformation process from just reading this blog and trying some things from it. Get the book, or the DVD home training set, or attend a seminar, or get a private phone or video coaching session from me first.
If you try something after reading this blog and it doesn’t work, that’s like trying to bake a cake from a conversation overheard at a coffeeshop. It isn’t because the recipe “doesn’t work”! There are many subtleties to this technique, many of which are covered in the book, others of which are covered in an NLP practitioner or master practitioner training, others which are pure art and cannot be taught. In any case, the technique is the most powerful thing I’ve ever come across for both brief and deep yet lasting personal transformation.
With that caveat…
In the Core Transformation process, you start by identifying how you experience an unwanted feeling, behavior or response. In this case, I heard my inner dialogue saying “what a jerk,” “he seems phony and sleazy,” and even “God I hate him.” I checked to see where the inner voice seemed to be coming from (a way to more precisely notice your experience) and it was coming from my chin and throat. I was also breathing shallowly, with a wrinkled brow, and feeling frustration and disgust.
After identifying specifically how you experience the thing you are wanting to change, you treat it as if it’s an unconscious part of you, because you obviously didn’t consciously choose to have this response. The reason for saying it’s “as if” is because this method does not make claims about ultimate reality (”ontology” in philosophy)–it’s a practical method for personal transformation, not metaphysics or theology. If only more new-agey people understood this and stopped talking about quantum physics and healing…but I digress (another part for me to work on?).
Next, you welcome this part–instead of what we normally and habitually do, which is repress it, deny it, make it wrong or bad, feel shame for having it, etc. (all my favorites). By welcoming it, we assume that it has some positive intention for doing what it does.
Have you ever noticed how if you assume someone has a negative intention, you quickly end up in a fight? Try this with your boyfriend or girlfriend sometime. When they do something nice for you say, “Why don’t you love me!” That never fails.
Similarly, assuming someone has a positive intention is a key element in nearly all conflict negotiation strategies, and an important strategy for being in an intimate relationship!
Then you ask this part “what do you want?” and listen for experiential responses: inner dialogue, feelings, and inner images that appear in your bodymind. Yes, I said bodymind. Despite what our educations would have us believe, your mind and body are a complete system, a continuous field of subjective experience. If you don’t believe me, try not eating for a couple days, then eat a giant cheeseburger and notice if your mind and emotions are at all different than normal.
At this point, you record the outcome your part is wanting, thank it for letting you know, then ask it to step into an experience of already having this outcome, just in imagination, but really getting into the experience. Instead of waiting for experiences you want to “just happen,” you just imagine them now. How’s that for instant gratification? I mean, why wait?
Then you ask “if you have that, what do you want through having that that’s even more important?” You generally get 3-7 outcomes before getting to a state that doesn’t depend on others (like love or respect), doesn’t depend on doing or achieving anything (like success), but is more a state of being, like OKness, oneness, peace, aliveness, or even more “spiritual” experiences. This is not an intellectual understanding–this whole process is experiential, so within about 10-30 minutes, you have already gone from some unpleasant state to a state that might be far beyond what you’d normally call pleasant, with no weird beliefs to adopt–just a pragmatic stance towards assuming a part, and that the part has positive reasons for what it’s doing. It’s looking for the good in things and loving yourself in a precise recipe that works with reliable effectiveness (I’ve done it nearly 100 times).
After this, you ask “how does already having [core state] as a starting point make things different?” and then “how does already having [core state] transform [outcome]?” for each of the outcomes this part had. This tends to flip everything on it’s head. Our parts tend to think we need to do something to feel good, but we can feel good first and then what we do often changes to be much, much easier and more effective.
He’s Not a Jerk, I’m Just Better Than Him…
After I had worked with the angry part, I found a proud part. I imagined myself meeting Eben and shaking hands with him, but questioning his way of being subtly by being the “wise one,” giving cryptic teachings in order to “show him the errors of his ways.” At first I thought I was done with this process, but soon I felt pride bubbling up, a big smile on my face, and seeing an image of Eben as “beneath me.” While this was better than being angry, it still wasn’t as good as I knew I could experience.
So I worked similarly with the pride, experiencing it, welcoming it, asking what it wanted, getting to a core state, going back up the outcome chain. And today, I found I was also no longer reactive to Darren Brown and his wacky stunts. I’m not going to follow in his footsteps or learn how to trick people into giving me their wallets, but I’m also not going to freak about him, or rather my idea of him.
A Recipe for Transformation
We all have people in our lives that occasionally, or even frequently piss us off, frustrate us, make us mad, or even that we hate. So far I’ve worked with several of my own parts that hated or were frustrated by others, and several clients experiencing anger or hatred towards ex-partners, people who “screwed” them in business, etc. All have found significant relief from the grip of hatred in 60-90 minutes with this process. I had one client who was normally very kind, but in this case was afraid they would lose control and hurt another person due to their anger. Within 60 minutes, this was no longer an issue…although they still planned to tell the other how they had hurt them.
I urge you to work with this process or some other to transform your hatred, if not into love, than at least into indifference or assertiveness. Your life will be better for it, and the world will be a slightly more kind place to live.
We all “know” that we should be kind to others, but repressing our anger just makes us more shallow, inauthentic people. Expressing our anger is often dangerous, especially if it has reached the levels of hatred or rage. Telling yourself or others to just let it go rarely works. What I love about Core Transformation is the precision and reliability of the process–it has worked nearly every time I’ve done it with myself (except 2 or 3 times when I couldn’t concentrate enough to lead myself through it), and every time I’ve done it with clients so far.
For more information about how to get a Core Transformation coaching session, email duff [at] precisionchange.com or call him at 303-520-8658.