This is part 2 of an ongoing series of essays deconstructing the field of personal development, of which I have been and continue to be engaged in, both personally and professionally. You may want to read part 1 first: On the Myth of the Personal.
In these essays, I will be philosophically deconstructing the assumptions that the field of personal development is built upon in order to reconstruct the field in a new, more inclusive and healthier way. Your comments are highly encouraged!
We’ve already covered the problems with assuming “personhood” in personal development. Now we turn our attention towards the idea of “development” and the unexamined assumptions behind it.
The unexamined life is not worth living. ~Socrates
In personal development literature, it is usually assumed that the goal is continuous, linear (or even exponential) improvement in all areas of life: financial, relational, mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, career, etc. At first glance, this seems like a good thing, all else being equal. But is this possible, or even desired? What is the role of improving one’s self in the good life and in the promotion of human happiness? Can life be modeled accurately by a straight, upward pointing line?
Home and Self: Never Done, Never Good Enough
One significant problem with the quest for self-improvement is that it is never done, which can fuel one’s sense of never being good enough. Personal development tends to become a way of life, one that is ultimately dissatisfying because there is no rest, and no “done.” You can never check off personal development as complete, and there’s always somebody more developed than you in one or more areas. In addition, you are not fully in control of your life, your body, or even your mind, emotions, and actions. Unless the transhumanists are right, we will all ultimately die, and even before we die, our bodies, minds, and often bank accounts (due to hospitalization in the last few months of life) will diminish and degrade very significantly.
You can never get enough of what you don’t really need. ~ Eric Hoffer
Ever noticed how Americans are engaged in endless home improvement? Once the bathroom gets remodeled, it’s on to the kitchen, then the garage, then the spare bedroom, then the living room, etc. Most suburban homes are under more continuous construction than most websites! Suburban Moms and Dads work all week at their jobs so that they can work all weekend on their bathrooms, basements, lawns, and gardens. The huge number of design shows on television only fuel this obsession with housing perfection, which of course is never achieved, and therefore never brings satisfaction or happiness. The evidence from happiness research would suggest that spending that time and money with one’s family instead of on one’s home would be a much better investment in one’s personal happiness and life satisfaction, as well as the happiness of those one cares most about!
The home design industry changes “what is hot” nearly as fast as the fashion industry, in large part to fuel consumer dissatisfaction in order to drive revenues. When do we just live in our homes and relax with nothing to do, feeling satisfied and complete? Imagine a home design show that came in to someone’s home and said “hmmm…looks good enough to me–I wouldn’t change a thing.”
In dream analysis, a dream about a house is often seen as a metaphor for the self. It’s interesting that Americans (and many westerners) are obsessed with endless home improvement as much as we are obsessed with endless self-improvement. We find ourselves unable to rest in our homes or in our selves, constantly seeking something better, often in competition with the neighbors, or with idealized media images.
Greater economic development over the past 100+ years has lead to no increase in reported happiness or life satisfaction. In 50 years, a similar thing might be said about personal development. If we are always looking towards the ever-receding horizon, if we are thinking about the neighbor’s greener grass, if we are comparing our bank accounts, bodies, and babies with media images of success, we are cultivating dissatisfaction as a way of life.
I’ve never seen a television home improvement show, nor have I ever read a personal development book, which laid out criteria for when the improvement was done. By that I mean not just the individual project, but improvement generally. When is your home or your self “good enough”? It is well known from the research in positive psychology that “maximizing” leads to dissatisfaction and “satisficing” (being satisfied with good enough) leads to satisfaction and happiness (see Barry Schwartz’s excellent book The Paradox of Choice).
Personal development books in particular often explicitly state that self-improvement is never done, as if dissatisfaction and perfectionism were virtues. Tony Robbins speaks of “constant and never-ending improvement” as something to cultivate. Many authors repeat the slogan “if you’re not growing, you’re dying”–which of course is only partly true, because we are all dying from the moment we are born, regardless if we are consciously pursuing our own growth or not! The question is do we want to live with happiness and satisfaction, or pursuing a goal that by definition cannot be satisfied?
Linear vs. Non-Linear Models of Human Life and Development
As I mentioned earlier, life as seen from personal development seems to be that of a straight line pointing upward, a model of linear progress. Affirmations like “every day in every way my life is getting better and better” are good examples of this. However, this is not the only possible way to model a human life.
Many ancient religions saw life as either a circle from birth to death, or an arc from birth, peaking at middle age, and falling downward to death. This kind of modeling tends to give one an appreciation and acceptance for things outside of one’s control, like the decay of the body (which I’m already beginning to feel at 29), loss of memory and hearing in late life, etc. It also gives a sense that there are naturally-suited times for having children and a family, for pursuing career goals, and for pursuing spirituality and philosophy. Seeing life all-at-once in this way puts things in perspective. For example, it is normal for someone to seek career development in their 20s, 30s, and 40s, peaking often times in mid 40s, and changing significantly after that to a more senior role, or simply declining in importance in one’s life.
Life seen as an arc from birth, upward to middle age, and downward to death gives a very different and much more realistic perspective than life seen as an upward line of continuous improvement and progress. Westerners usually don’t see life in terms of a cycle however, with the results that we ignore the old and the wisdom many possess, and we tend to over-extend certain phases of life (especially youth). In particular, we push our bodies beyond their limits with the types of physical exercise we take on, we push ourselves to constantly make more money (even amongst the ultra-wealthy) even after our careers have peaked, we artificially maintain our youthful looks with plastic surgery, etc. When we model our lives linearly, we miss that phases of life come naturally to a close, and we resist against this instead of letting go and moving on.
Life can also be seen as a sine wave, going up and down in somewhat regular cycles. I’ve found this to be much more accurate of a description of any sort of path of growth, including the spiritual path. One goal of spiritual development is to accept life’s ups and downs with equal appreciation.
Development vs. Maturity
Personal Development is something that tends to be pursued consciously, with explicit, written, time-bounded goals and plans. But much of our “development” happens naturally, as a result of going through the life-cycle and our responses to the challenges that come into our lives unexpectedly. This type of development could be called maturation, with the result being maturity.
Maturity is not something that needs to be consciously planned out in advance. Maturity emerges from one’s response to challenging life circumstances, like having a child, getting laid off, or contracting cancer. Much of what people are seeking through personal development can happen through maturation, through courageously responding to the challenges that come one’s way without seeking them out. In this way, a lot less needs to be on your to-do list.
Engaging in relationships with others–family, intimate relationship, community, parenting–leads to enormous personal development. Parenting in particular is an incredible opportunity for development in many different areas. Living in a cooperative house or co-housing community is another incredible opportunity for development and maturation, in addition to being much more environmentally sustainable. Learning about the world’s biggest problems and attempting to solve them with others leads to incredible personal development and maturity, but does not explicitly involve developing one’s own abilities, career, or bank account.
Many of my coaching clients suffer from having too many goals. They often come to me complaining that they can’t get themselves to do what they want to do. In other words, part of them wants to go for all these goals, and part of them usually wants to just chill out and enjoy life more! By understanding that much “development” happens fairly naturally and automatically, we can free up energy to accept and enjoy life more, having fewer things to do, feeling better about the things we do actually accomplish, and flowing with the inevitable twists and turns of life.
A friend of mine recently joked that if life is about developing one’s self, then death would be the highest stage of development. The linear model of life leads to this absurd conclusion, while seeing life as non-linear can help us to accept the natural course of things, which is much more likely to lead to the happiness and satisfaction that we are ultimately seeking. In addition, trusting that life will provide you with many opportunities for development through maturation, you can let go of many of your goals and focus on the things that actually improve our lives: our connections with others, our own wholeness, and appreciation of the great mystery of life and the universe.